


House MD of Love

by NoitsNautrechoird



Category: House M.D.
Genre: F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2016-09-05
Packaged: 2018-08-13 04:54:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7963219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoitsNautrechoird/pseuds/NoitsNautrechoird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mostly just to be entertaining here. Wrote it to give to someone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	House MD of Love

"The EKG revealed irregular heartbeat patterns- arrhythmia. The patient will have heart failure in the next 24 hours."  
House snapped a chart of the patient's EKG to the light box and pivoted on his cane. The diagnostic department's meeting room was empty with the exception of Wilson, leaning in through the doorway.  
"Where the hell is my team?"  
House limped to the doorway forcefully driving his cane into the ground as he walked.  
"Cuddy has them in the clinic after your last assignment nearly made the entire diagnostic department convicted felons. Something about some time away from you could do them good."  
Wilson stepped back as House pushed out the door and began walking towards Cuddy's office.  
"I need my team now. If Cuddy wants to get back at me she can put on a turtleneck or fire that blonde nurse in radiology, not get my patient killed."  
Wilson stopped walking, those words irritating him more than House expected.  
"I don't think I disagree, House. And Cuddy isn't going to let you off the hook this time. Risking your own medical license is one thing but a scandal like that would hurt the hospital."  
House spun around and faced Wilson, close enough for him to feel Wilson's breath start, see his pupils dialate momentarily.  
"Then I need you Wilson-"  
A look of surprise in his eye,  
"-to give me a differential. Come on. Forty-three year old man collapses unconscious with fluid buildup in his lungs. EKG revealed arrhythmias in his heartbeat."  
Wilson stood shocked for a second as House walked off, shouting behind him, before following.  
"Sounds like a classic case of Cardiomyopathy. Do an ultrasound to check the heart tissue and advise him on his options when you see the severity."  
House rounded a corner sharply and stabbed the down arrow of the elevator with his cane.  
"It doesn't fit. Blood in his urine indicated his kidneys beginning to fail. Cardiomyopathy doesn't explain it."  
"Then a sarcoma, Liposarcoma or maybe Angiosarcoma. It could have compressed in the kidneys and caused Kidney failure after traveling from the heart."  
The elevator opened, House and Wilson stepped in. House shooed a couple interns out of the elevator with liberal use of his cane and hit the button pad, holding the door close as the elevator began moving.  
"Timeline doesn't make sense. Kidney failure would occur almost immediately, we wouldn't have time to draw conclusions from the bloody urine before the kidney shut down."  
The number above the door plummeted as the elevator did while Wilson scratched his head.  
"Maybe vascular then? Papillary fibroelastoma? Complications could lead to blood leaking into the intestinal tract."  
House took his finger off the close button and turned to face Wilson, slamming his hand against the wall of the elevator behind him and pushing him up against the wall, chest to chest, his other hand steadying himself with the cane.  
"Papillary fibroelastoma always presents with chest pain or stroke, of which we have neither. If I wanted a cancer diagnosis I would have come to you to start with, Wilson!"  
House shouted into Wilson's face, inches away from his own.  
House and Wilson stared into each other's eyes, neither making a noise. Sweat dribbled down House’s face as he continued to look unflinchingly at Wilson. The doors opened behind them and a group of doctors gasped in surprise. Wilson then finally broke his gaze and pushed past House’s weak side, nudging the cane away as he walked off briskly out of the elevator.  
“If you didn’t want my opinion then why did you ask for my diagnosis!”  
House hit the wall of the elevator lightly then followed after, mocking a gasp at one of the female doctors as he strode out.  
“Cuddy took my team, I need someone to bounce ideas off of Wilson, you know how this works!”  
Wilson continued walking slightly faster than House could limp, refusing to turn his head to look at House.  
“If that were the case you wouldn’t have stopped when I told you Cuddy wasn’t going to let you off the hook. You would’ve gone in and drooled over her legs as you sexually harassed her until you got what you wanted. And if you didn’t get what you wanted you would just gather your team in the clinic anyways don’t give me that bullshit House.”  
House continued to follow wordlessly, a strained expression on his face, breathing heavily trying to keep up with Wilson. Wilson frowned and sighed as he slowed his pace, still refusing to look back at house, and spoke again.  
“What do you think it is then, House?”  
House spoke to the back of Wilson’s head after catching his breath.  
“It’s Lupus. Explains the slow onset kidney failure, the fluid in the lungs, and in extreme cases it could damage the heart, seemingly mimicking cardiomyopathy by inflaming the tissue.”  
Wilson stopped walking.  
“Lupus? House, that’s statistically improbable.”  
Finally catching up, House grasped Wilson’s arm firmly and spun him around, Wilson wide eyed in surprise.  
“So is this,” whispered House into Wilson’s ear before locking his lips together with Wilson’s and plunging his tongue into Wilson’s mouth.  
They embraced tightly as House continued performing his exploratory examination of the inside of Wilson’s mouth. Wilson lost strength and shrugged limply against House, who seemed to be able to support the two in spite of his crippled leg. After a long moment Wilson had to push away as he gasped for air. House looked around them.  
“The morgue. The usual place then, Wilson.”  
House smirked, looking at Wilson, whose face was flushed, struggling for air. The color finally leveled and Wilson looked up at House with renewed vigor, then he looked down.  
“Excuse me Doctor House, it seems you have an abnormal growth that needs to be checked out. Can you tell me how long you’ve been exhibiting symptoms?”  
Wilson reached down and grasped at House’s growth. House frowned.  
“Actually it has been like that all morning.”  
Wilson gave a sly grin,  
“It’s almost like someone accidentally wrote you the wrong prescription and gave you a different drug that started with the letter V.”  
House looked surprised but smiled back,  
“What a careless mistake. I think that it might be this individual’s responsibility to treat his mistake, don’t you think?”  
House began to unbutton his pants.  
“Speaking of which, how old are you House?”  
House struggled with his belt, pulling at it hard while trying to maintain balance. Wilson deftly slipped it off for him.  
“Fifty, why?”  
Wilson grinned wider and pushed House onto the examination table, pants pulled to his ankles.  
“It sounds like you’re overdue for a prostate exam, House.”  
He slid House’s pants all the way off and pulled him closer, throwing House’s cane away in the process. Wilson prepared himself to examine House’s prostate.  
“Wait but what about the rubber?”  
House covered his rectum with his hands as Wilson licked his lips.  
“I detect abnormalities better without the glove.”  
He then wrenched House’s hands away and violently began to probe him deeply.  
“Wilson, you’re being so rough!”  
House groaned in pain and delight as Wilson performed the diagnostic procedure (diagnostics being one of the few things that House lived for).  
“This is for using Cuddy as an excuse instead of being honest with me, House!”  
Wilson thrust his appendage into House, emphasizing each syllable as he spoke. House groaned.  
“Wilson were you going to check out the growth?”  
Wilson chuckled and reached up with a free hand to grasp the growth.  
“House you become so stimulated when it comes to exploratory diagnostics.”  
House’s mouth gaped wide and he whimpered as Wilson moved. The intensity of the procedure was almost too much for him to handle.  
“Wilson, I think the growth is about to have a tonic-clonic seizure!”  
Wilson groaned and closed his eyes,  
“I think I’ve almost finished searching for abnormalities too!”  
Suddenly Cameron burst into the room,  
“House, it’s Lupus! The patient has lupus!”  
House opened his mouth and screamed,  
“Yes!”  
House became overwhelmed in diagnostic ecstasy as he reached into his coat for his Vicodin bottle and popped it open, pouring pills into his mouth.  
“Oh my God House I didn’t know you were having a medical procedure done!”  
Exclaimed Cameron in shock at the sight in front of her. Thirteen burst into the room behind her.  
“That reminds me Cameron, you tested positive.”  
Thirteen aggressively locked lips with Cameron, sucking Cameron’s tongue into her mouth as she slipped Cameron’s coat off.  
“For what?”  
Cameron asked as she regained her breath.  
“For acute butt syndrome. I’m applying treatment right away.”  
Thirteen tore off both of their clothes and slammed Cameron against the cabinets.  
“Lupus!”  
House screamed through a mouth full of pills. Wilson shut him up with his own mouth as the pills spilled from mouth to mouth in the slimy contact.  
Suddenly the doors to the morgue pushed open and out leapt several police officers.  
“You’re under arrest, all of you, for under the table illegal and immoral medical procedures!”  
Cuddy burst out of one of the cadaver drawers, covered only in a white sheet,  
“I told you House! I told you not only would you get your team in trouble, you’d get my hospital in a major scandal!”  
“It’s Lupus!”  
House kept screaming, pills flying from both his fists and out his mouth, scattering around the room. Cameron and Thirteen continued their exciting illegal examination as Wilson roared, the momentary burst of adrenaline and ecstasy causing him to hallucinate that he was riding his power cruiser with House off into the distance to the tune of “Enjoy Yourself (It’s Later than You Think”).

\-------------------------------------------  
Several days later

“I don’t know how you do it House.”  
Thirteen sat on Cameron’s lap arms wrapped around her, momentarily peeling away from her to address House.  
“It was Lupus. You even got the family to pull some legal strings and let us off the hook for our unauthorized diagnostic research in the morgue.”  
House shrugged as he pulled out his Vicodin bottle.  
“It was obvious. Lupus was the best diagnosis.”  
He dropped a pill into his hand as the girls went back to doing their thing. He frowned as he looked down at it. Then he looked up and out the glass window into the hallways and saw Wilson, in a hurry, walking towards Cuddy’s office. Seems like Wilson was busy. A smile slowly spread across House’s face and he threw his head back, taking the pill and shoving the bottle back into his pocket. House then swiftly jaunted out his door. It’s about time to get a follow-up on his examination.


End file.
